And to celebrate 1,000 tumblr followers, I will now renounce veganism.

Kinda. Lemme splain.

30 days ago I came up with the idea to go vegan for one of my monthly challenges. Ok, that’s a lie. I thought of this the moment I began giving myself monthly challenges only I was too much of a pussy to try until now. I only messed up once with a taco seasoning that had whey, otherwise, can I tell you how fucking easy this was? I posted about this earlier in the month but it’s 2012, people. Vegan food (or something that can be made vegan) is available almost anywhere. Keep in mind that drastic consumption shifts differ greatly with the individual, so what I have found to be true with me, might not be the same to you. And as my end of the month review, I will begin with the bad:

CONS:

- Do you like poopin? Because if you don’t, veganism isn’t for you. But hey, let’s be honest here. You probably need to be poopin more than you do. It’s good for your body, but yes, you will far exceed your poop quota.

- Do you like pizza? Because if you do, veganism isn’t for you. Now there are plenty of places in Chicago that sell vegan pizza, I’ve ordered 5 this month from Ian’s. Yes, they were good. But it was the food equivalent of a handjob when you wanted anal.

- Do your have supportive friends? Because if you don’t, veganism isn’t for you. But this goes for anything, really. If you don’t have friends who will back you when you’re clearly trying to do something better for yourself, well then I guess you might want to re-think your time with them.

PROS:

- Within days I felt lighter. While I only lost 5 pounds, I just felt like I had more of a “spring” to my step. *Facepalm* But for lack of a better way to say it, I felt like I had more energy and agility. Also, I noticed a certain ‘bloat’ around my mid-section greatly decreased. What it was, I don’t know. Maybe some salt, gas, or old shoe leather, who knows? All I know is it’s gone and I’m not mad at it.

- Within a week my sinuses cleared up and have continued to stay that way. I read somewhere that dairy has a connection to mucus and since I almost exclusively breathe through one nostril this was a nice surprise.

- My moods were far more level. It’s as if the depression was almost sucked out of me. I mean, I felt it here and there but NOTHING like I usually do. Note the lack of sensitive artistry on my social media platforms.

- I actually SAVED money eating vegan. Whomever started this rumor that eating vegan is expensive is someone who never went vegan. Ok, maybe if you eat Taco Bell on the reg, sure, but as a human being above the age of 25, eating vegan cut my food costs damn near in half.

I have always been the guy who ate steak and hot dogs. And yes, while I recognize that a vegan diet is healthier for us as people, our environment, and the animals - I have never been one to champion animal rights. That being said, I feel so much fucking better. Honestly, I wanted to report back and tell you that it’s all bullshit and these self-righteous better-than-you hippies have no basis for an argument but goddamn, people. They are on some real deal shit.

Ethically, I don’t have the motivation that most vegans posses that help them through times of temptation. And while I don’t think I could possibly say that I will never eat a steak or cheese again, I definitely am seriously cutting down my consumption only because I don’t want to go back to feeling like crap all the time. I know this sounds obvious, but your body is made up of what you put into it and if you’re eating french fries and hamburgers and hot wings (while good as fuck), that shit is going to show in your weight, your complexion, and your mood.

So for February, my first 30 day challenge is to always be on time (which if you know me is a HUGE challenge) and the second will be to continue to eat vegan for 2 days of the week, 2 vegetarian, and the remaining 3 to eat however I choose. I like to leave a little room in there for Pete’s pizza. Because I would slit my wrists right here if you told me I could never have real pizza again.

Oh, and can I get bonus points for not clogging up your social media with typical vegan smugness and gratuitous pictures of food?

And I will now leave you with one of my favorite parts of the movie Red Dawn.