christopher gutierrez | damaged and unbreakable.

damaged and unbreakable.

On occasion, there are people out there who will pay us compliments. Some more than others but I would assume most of us know what it’s like to be envied, if even for a moment, for being intelligent or creative or talented or pretty or insightful. Someone along the line has paid you a compliment and if you’re like me, you didn’t know how to take it. The words made us uncomfortable - as if the person looking at us doesn’t know who we truly are, otherwise they might see things in a drastically different light. So we look off and away and respond with some kind of self-deprecating joke about how we don’t deserve praise.

You and I, we know we are not ideal. We know that oftentimes we hate the world. That we wish we could leave everything behind and start again. That we hate the sound of crying babies and lose hope for humanity when we read our facebook status feed. But worst of all, we know the thoughts that pass through our head when we are trying to get to sleep. And if anyone ever knew what we truly thought about about when we were left alone in the dark, no one would envy a single aspect of us.

Most of us have thought about leaving. As in, not here anymore. As in, offing ourselves by any means available. I know this and I know you. I know you because I am you. Maybe a little older, more colorful, and a bit more obnoxious - but I hear you. I get it. And I get why you don’t believe you would ever be good enough. Because no matter how many compliments I get, I still don’t believe them.

While I was washing my face today I realized something. That despite all the criticism and hate, all the failures and consistent lack to progression in my life - I am still here.

I mean, I looked in my medicine cabinet and thought, “There are at least three things in here that could end my life. Right here. Right at this very second.” All of these options within arms reach but I never took it. You and I, we never took it. Maybe because we were scared or because we thought how it would effect our moms and older brothers but whatever the reason we tell ourselves, it truly is because we didn’t want it badly enough. There was something that compelled us to walk away.

This is tougher than most of us let on. Now. This day. Living with the thoughts of not fitting in, never having enough, not feeling the love, being molested, not using our potential, dying alone. We have to carry on, day after day with this in the back of our mind and no matter how hard we wish and pray it will never leave us. And no matter how damaged we are, I know now that we truly are unbreakable. You can fuck with us and fuck us up, use us and kick us while we’re down but if you’re reading this right now, you made it. No - WE made it. Together.

Your words and emails, your hugs and consistent belief were what compelled me to walk away. Despite not believing your words, I believe IN your words. As in, I believe they mean something to you, and I have to honor that. So thank you for saving me. Time and time again, you have helped keep my chin up long enough to realize that I am in good company…

The damaged but unbreakable.