Why cuddling is better than sex.

Through all of my mis-adventures with internet dating, I have learned that a vast majority of women love to cuddle. It’s like a litmus test women like to throw out there to see if it sends men running. For the record, I love cuddling. I have and continue to cuddle the shit out of some girls. That being said, the idea of cuddling a stranger is utterly repulsive to me - and only now do I realize why.

Years ago, I met a woman online and an hour later I was banging her. I believe I wrote about this in my book 4 AM Friends. She was just another one-night stand in an embarrassingly long line of names but what I learned that day is, the idea of cuddling someone who doesn’t deserve it feels shitty. I suppose I can equate it to how vanilla people feel when they wake up next to a stranger and run home to scrub themselves extra hard in the shower while desperately attempting to cry away the shame. Yeah, something along those lines. See, I had zero issue with banging some random up against a dumpster and never getting a name but cuddling her - fucking ick.

So when I arrived she was a fucking mess but had awesome boobs. We banged and it was completely common and average and then she got really pissed when I came on her face. Don’t judge me. I thought she said “Okay” when I told her it was coming. Apparently, it was more of a, “Huh?” (I may or may not be laughing my dick off writing this, and yes, I know there is a warm spot in hell for Chris right now) Either way, in order to make up for my rudeness she told me to cuddle her. I was completely opposed to this since all I wanted to do was GTFO but I felt slightly remorseful and told her I would give her 10 minutes. I threw my arm around her and curled up my nose from the smell of the alcohol coming from her mouth. It only took her a few minutes before she fell asleep and I kept looking at the clock and out the window. That one felt dirty. Not because she was drunk while the sun was still up or that I fucked her knowing that she was using me to fill a void or that I would never see her again - I felt dirty because I only cuddled the ones that deserved it. And like anything in life, you don’t DESERVE anything - you EARN things. And people I cuddle earn it by an even exchange of emotions. Respect and trust. A deeper level of connection; one built upon vulnerability and honesty.

Sure, she may have been one of the greatest women I had ever banged, but I wouldn’t know. She didn’t want to tell me and at that point, I didn’t want to know. Maybe down the line I would have learned that but an hour of online chatting and 20 minutes of mediocre sex surely wasn’t going to earn either of us anything.

Looking back on it now I guess she just wanted to feel something. She enthusiastically offered up sex in exchange for 10 minutes of cuddling. 10 minutes of feeling like someone cared about her. And that is what she got, 10 minutes to the second. I pulled away, quietly put on my clothes and snuck out the front door of her apartment.

I think about that day on occasion. I have always wondered why that story out of the many identical stories sticks out and I realized that I sold out. I sacrificed what I held important. In a life where I respect very little, the things I hold in high regard are few and far between and that day, I gave up and gave in. I let her have something she didn’t deserve and she trusted me with something I didn’t earn.

Sex is just sex. Practically exclusively for fun, mostly selfish, and on rare occasion to demonstrate love. All of these born-again virgins and idealists hold sex up to an unrealistic level. It is a natural desire and putting it on a pedestal is like asking your teacher for a gold star because you held in your pee all day. Sure, I might not hold sex in much regard, but what I realized is that I will never cuddle someone who doesn’t deserve it and I certainly will not cuddle someone that I haven’t earned the right. I will never ask for the right to cuddle someone whose trust I haven’t earned, and I certainly will not give someone hope who doesn’t deserve it.