One of the greatest hip hop songs of all time.
Being a woman is kind of like being a cyclist in a city where all the cars represent men. You’re supposed to be able to share the road equally with cars, but that’s not how it works. The roads are built for cars and you spend a great deal of physical and mental energy being defensive and trying not to get hurt. Some of the cars WANT you to get hurt. They think you don’t have any place on the road at all. And if you do get hurt by a car, everyone makes excuses that it’s your fault.
My friend was new to online dating. We texted back and forth about the emails she had received and laughed at how absolutely ridiculous some of these people could be. She sent me screen shot conversations with men who thought that initial emails of “Sup” or “Hey” or “Show me your tits” were appropriate enough for a first impression email. Like they actually thought, she looks cute enough for me to flirt with so here is my best effort.
We laughed more at the situation than the content. Like when the city took my car for having too many parking tickets then crushed it when I couldn’t pay - you know, in the way you have to chuckle at the situation because if you think about it hard enough it might actually make you angry and begin to hate people.
She was disappointed that most men turned the conversation sexual within the first couple emails. She said it was telling because it showed that they only wanted sex. I disagreed. I said while she was partially right, it more demonstrated their lack of communication skills - which was probably an even bigger red flag.
See, it’s not that men are pigs - it is that no one ever taught them to communicate well, and our level of communication is directly correlated to our ability to show respect. Truth is, most of us are raised by parents who are dealing with their own insecurities, problems, and issues, all while working hard to put food on the table and keeping our wardrobe filled with band tshirts so we don’t hate them for making us feel poor or outcasts to our peers. We yelled at them to stop trying to ruin our fun and to just leave us alone - and unfortunately, most of our parents didn’t want us to hate them even more, so they did. They left us alone to our friends and our headphones. Which is was good, in a way, because those things made us not feel so alone. But the biggest tragedy was being left alone to try and make sense of a world that we were ill-equipped to deal with.
Basically it goes like this - at some point, children begin to recognize the inequalities of an unfair world and it makes them mad because it doesn’t make sense. They see other people getting things they don’t have and feel entitled to what everyone else has. And children don’t want anyone getting more than them, it is confusing, especially if they see them as “unworthy.” But the truth is, life is unfair. And that is a harsh truth to face when you’re young. You want to scream and throw shit because other people were born to better circumstances and they got shit you wanted and fuck them, right? So we got angry, but that anger had no place to go. And anger only has two directions, either out or in. So we either hate ourselves or we hate other people, and an angry and confused kid is a breeding ground for disrespect, intolerance, racism, and bigotry. And sometimes when those angry and confused kids get older, they sign up for online dating sites. And sometimes they see your profile and think you’re pretty, or cute, or interesting, or sexy, and instead of using the communication skills they should have learned at age fucking seven, they revert back to their childish antics and blurt out nonsense.
If there is one thing you will ever take away from anything I have ever written, it’s that you should absolutely never take anyone seriously who doesn’t have effective communication skills. Whether that is with his relationship with his family, fans, servers, homeless people, co-workers, or even in the bedroom - if that person doesn’t know how to express themselves, they are forever doomed to unhealthy relationships. And you have enough bullshit to deal with and you certainly don’t need to waste your time constantly making excuses for some man-child who doesn’t know how to play nice with others.
And one more thing, while you are under no obligation to fix anyone - do not let anyone, whether they are a stranger or a friend or a family member or some turd who hits you up on an online dating site, to be disrespectful. If you truly want to make this world a little less shitty, let them know what they’re doing is hurtful or disrespectful. And if they ask, “Why you’re being such a bitch,” answer them. Tell them what they’re doing wrong and why you feel disrespected because there are enough unchecked assholes in the world already and simply shouting four letter words in retaliation has never put a positive thought in the head of a disrespectful jerk.