New episode of my podcast The Deep End is up on iTunes. Listen on your phone right now: http://tinyurl.com/mf2da66
Here’s something you need to know - we’re all fucked up. You, me, all of us, we are all damaged. Look around you, is there anyone you know that is perfectly rational and reasonable and level-headed and has no issues and is completely healthy? I don’t even have to know you to know the answer. And this is important to realize before you get into any relationship.
Because too many of us expect it to be fair and being fair in a relationship goes against human nature. None of us are consistent. Some days we wake up angry at the world, another day we wake up with animosity towards strangers, another we wake up hating ourselves, another we wake up happy to be alive, we do nice things for strangers, we sing at the top of our lungs and we smile at random puppies. Why? Because our feelings betray us. Because we are not consistent to ourselves. The only consistency is our INconsistency.
But that’s nothing you didn’t already know.
But why this is so important to understand is that when we are in relationships, with another damaged and insecure human being, we get so upset at their mood swings. At their irrationality. At their inconsistencies. And we feel that it’s not “fair.” And that is completely understandable. We should be upset when we feel that our feelings are not matched. We should feel taken advantage of when we do all the work. We should feel angry when the love we project is deflected. Unrequited. Unappreciated. Yes, you. You have every right to feel upset.
We waste our lives with worry. Worry about how we’re being taken advantage of. How no one appreciates us. How the love and care we invest into our relationships is not equal to the love we receive. And that fucking sucks. It sucks to feel like the one doing all the work and not at the very least getting the goddamn recognition or appreciation we feel we have earned.
But you’re fucked up. And I’m fucked up. And we’re all damaged. And no one will ever love you the way you want them to. And no one will ever tell you all the words you need to hear. And no one will ever give you the closure at the end of relationship you feel you deserve.
Because love isn’t fair. It is messy and conditional and inconsistent. And we drive ourselves crazy with worry trying to make sense of inconsistent people.
So yes, we’re all fucked up - but it does not mean that we’re doomed. We have the ability to be happy, if we allow it. And how do we allow it? By learning from our mistakes. By not trying to date the same people over and over again and expecting different results. By learning to be okay alone. To be okay sitting on a couch with our eyes open and a head full of late-night thoughts. By learning to express our vulnerability. By learning to communicate our needs, wants, and desires. And, most importantly, by learning to say, “No, you are not allowed to treat me like this.”
Then, and only then, do we at least have a fighting chance.
And maybe we are all damaged - but fuck it. So what. Let’s run with this shit and find someone who is just as fucked up as we are. Hell, it might be the only shot we have for someone to truly understand us. Because the only love we deserve is the love we have earned. And if you are as amazing as you say you are, I promise there is someone out there willing and excited to love you the way you have earned.
For those of you who don’t know, I am currently working on a book about infidelity. Through a series of 100 anonymous interviews and long form essay questions, my goal is to get to the heart of cheating. The who, what, when, where, why, and how of it all. A brutally honest look into the minds of those who can’t be faithful in order for us to understand ourselves and our relationships. To gain insight and to expose how people can justify their actions and how they get away with it. Is it possible to cheat on someone you love and how do cheaters live with themselves. This book is going to answer all those questions and then some.
I am still looking for more people to reach 100. I want a diverse background of subjects: gay, straight, trans, bi, men, women, young, old, black, white, doctors, lawyers, baristas, students. But funny enough, I have had a tough time finding straight guys to complete the questions. So if you have cheated and you would like to be a part of this book, especially if you’re a straight dude, feel free to copy and paste this into an email and send it over to me at: Christopher60657@gmail.com. Feel free to use a fake email if you like because this will be 100% anonymous.
Again, this is only for people who HAVE cheated. Not for those who have been cheated on.
Reblog if you think you’re followers would be interested.
Thank you again for your help.
I wondered why she didn’t come around much anymore. On the weekends, my mom would leave to visit her boyfriend in the city and we would rent movies and eat mass amounts of fast food in a way that only high school kids or stoner adults can get away with. Our late night basement parties suddenly were missing one person. I asked a few friends where she had been and they said something to the effect of, “Well, she just wants to surround herself with different people for new experiences.”
You would have thought someone shit in my lap. I lost it and basically said, “Fuck her,” in a million different ways and told everyone to tell her we didn’t want her back in our circle because she was now dead to us. Like, what - we weren’t good enough? We didn’t do cool enough shit? What, did she think she was better than us?! Well, good fucking riddance.
Last weekend, I spent a few days with people I would never normally hang out with. People from a different way of life. A different age. A different mindset. People whose political views were drastically different than people I normally surround myself with. Yet, somehow, I managed to have a really nice time. While I was sitting there are the dinner table respectfully bowing my head while they said a prayer and I couldn’t help but wonder why I didn’t feel so… agitated. I mean, I didn’t believe in the cult teachings of religions so what the hell was I doing just sitting there. Taking it. Listening to these people talk about how grateful they were to this all-knowing god? Somehow, I managed to live through it and start eating my chicken and rice. Eventually, I looked up and started having a discussion. I don’t remember exactly what it was about but it was engaging. It wasn’t some Chris against the world-type shit. It was a respectful exchange of ideas. I wanted to share a little insight into a life they were unfamiliar with and I wanted to hear about what motivated them through their life. There was no animosity. There was no smugness or condescension or pointing of fingers. They were people who were genuinely interested in Chris as a person. I didn’t talk about my accomplishments or my adventures or my friends but about what I have learned and how I continue to motivate myself. And I asked about their lives and what motivated them.
That night, I was told that they said they really liked me and that they liked how I saw things from all angles and that it gave them a different perspective. I liked that. And as I was getting in bed, It made me smile and I wondered why I didn’t feel like this more often. To be surrounded by people who challenged me and my ideas. People who inspired me to articulate how I see the world and to show me that just because people have different ideas and ideals, doesn’t mean that they’re not good people at heart.
I would have liked to think that I softened their views on a few aspects of social justice and diversity. But what I really took away from this weekend is that it is good for our heads and our hearts to surround ourselves with genuine and positive people.
I was an asshole in high school. A little loud-mouthed turd with a chip on his shoulder and a planet of insecurity on his back who blamed the world for his own shortcomings. Only now can I understand why someone would have wanted something better for themselves. Oh sure, we did some amazingly cool shit back then - but we also were short-sighted spiteful kids surrounded by a bubble of prejudice and bigotry. So yeah, I get it now. I get why she would have wanted to expand her circle. To go where people weren’t always shouting hatred and smashing mailboxes.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that you should never feel guilty for wanting better for yourself. You should surround yourself with people who make you smile. People that you are grateful to have in your life. People who support your endeavors and push you when you get lazy. People who put positivity in your head and compassion in your heart. Because while high school is about surrounding yourself with people so you don’t feel so alone - becoming an adult is about surrounding yourself with inspiration so you make others feel LESS alone.
Evaluate everything. Every person. Every career choice. Every blog post. Every record you listen to. Evaluate your relationships with your family and your friends and your boss and the homeless person on the corner. Are these things, events, people, benefitting your life or attempting to snuff out your fire? Your spark? Your light?
Well then, move on and away and surround yourself with different people for new experiences so you can learn to smile more often when you are getting ready for bed.
Because the only thing you should feel guilty about is NOT wanting more for yourself. Your head and your heart deserve it.
I lived out in Cleveland for like a year and a half with my ex-girlfriend. She’s part of Integrity’s crew with whom we had beef from back in the day. It all started when I went on tour in ‘92 with Sick of It All, Biohazard, and Sheer Terror. They played a…